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Monday, February 26, 2007
everybody's changing- keane
you say you wander your own land
but when i think about it
i dont see how you can
youre aching youre breaking
and i can see the pain in your eyes
says everybody's changing
and i dont know why
so little time try to understand that
im trying to make a move just to stay in the game
i try to stay awake and remember my name
but everybody's changing
and i dont feel the same
youre gone from here
and soon you will disappear
fading into beautiful light
cause everybody's changing
and i dont feel right
---
why do things have to change? why do people have to change?
sometimes we get so lost in the world [both the troubles and the pleasure] and the next thing you know, you cant figure out who you are exactly. and you cant help but ask, who am i? are we all living behind masks, afraid to rip them off because we dont want to face the possibility of being rejected? humans are such lonely creatures, we all long to be accepted.
peiling has just messed things up with someone who matters a lot to her.
really, RAWR.
enough said. another time then.
simplicity.
*****
Saturday, February 24, 2007
okay let's go back in time. rubbish before i go into well, not so rubbish things.
valentines day. what really made my day was after i came back from shirim and the guys sprang a surprise "party" thing for me, complete with flowers and chocolate and all. and they gave me a small bouquet of ferror rocher flowers! like ferrero rocher with leaves and stalks stuck on. that made peiling really happy. apparently everyone in my family knew, except me rawr. had dinner and went down to talk by the pool. it was cool because i saw them the on 10 feb but man i miss seeing those guys every week.
chinese new year. we went back to malaysia around late afternoon and reached there at around 11pm. got angbaos =D and i got a lot more money than that collected from my mum's side even though i only got 5 angbaos from my dad's side- grandma, grandaunty, granduncle, aunty julin [dad's cousin] and uncle jit tian[dad's cousin], which is really cool! the most interesting part of the time spent in malaysia was went i went over to my granduncles house and met up with my cousins and aunty and her husband, and i shall not bother explaining about how they are related to me etc. adult talk again and all of the kids were sitting around trying not to look bored at first, but we couldnt stand it in the end. and at the start, they'll have the usual "oh so [insert name] is [insert age] already right?" and i realied that 3 years has flown by since i first saw them [after not seeing them since i was what 5, 6?]. when i first met them, ronald was 18 mervyn 15 gabriel 13 adeline 8. now they're like their age then plus 3. but despite the adult talk, there were some funny bits. they were talking about ronald and mervyn learning how to drive and:
grandaunty: gabriel said that when mervyn was trying to park the car, he nearly drove into the garage door, right gabriel?
[gabriel shakes and nods and shakes his head]
grandaunty: was gabriel telling the truth mervyn?
[mervyn shakes his head]
grandaunty: gabrielll...
gabriel: no lah it was ronald.
[mervyn gives a triumphant grin]
and when we were leaving to go back to join my grandma for dinner, aunty julin asked my grandaunty to join them for dinner, but my grandaunty didnt want to. and when she was in the toilet, i was telling my sister "eh maybe we should leave now then she will have to go for dinner with them". and mervyn overheard and said "as if, i bet she's rushing out of the toilet now." anyway we ended up going for dinner with them. we took 3 cars. and my sis and i were like with my grandaunty because we were supposed to take care of her. so driver = mervyn. passengers = gabriel ronald grandaunty jie me. there was an oil tanker in front of us and i made a passing comment that we should stay far away from oil tankers. and mervyn filtered to the extreme right and he made it a point to stay like a few metres behind the tanker [even though we were already far away from it] because he didnt dare to accelerate since he just got his driving license. and all of us started laughing, and we were the last to reach the restaurant [as expected]. i think my cousins [on my dad's side] are really nice and funny and rubbishy people. and we talked to them more than we ever did like since we saw them 3 years ago. i think if we kept going back to klang every year to visit my grandpa and grandpa last time instead of going to malacca, the 6 of us [adeline's too young] will be really close now, considering that we were indeed very close when we were younger and played soccer and what not together. oh well. mervyn's good-looking, like your typical rich cool boy in dramas. gabriel's a pretty boy. we took a photo, but i dont have it with me now, so too bad you dont get to see my cousins.
reached singapore on monday evening and rushed to go for family gathering on my mum's side. it was nearly over anyway, so we went there, bainian, get angbaos, say hello, and my cousins and me and my siblings went to tampines mall to catch a movie. but we decided not to in the end and took the train to changi airport and sat there and talked.
i liked the long car ride to and from klang, we had a lot of fun cracking lame jokes, talking rubbish and laughing at each other [like my mum honking at a police car]
okay enough rubbish. i still have a lot of rubbish recounts that i havnt typed. but i dont want to bore myself or bore others to death.
on a more serious note, the whole evolution topic we're learning during bio is stressing many people i know out and all. anyway i read the first 2 pages of "the origin of species" and i didnt continue because i wasnt in the mood to read, and so i decided to go running. my mum told me that if i wanted to go running late at night out of the house i had to get someone with me. since my brother was busy i called jon, good to have someone who stays near you eh. went running and though it was silent most of the time because both of us had our own things to think about, it was good and rawr now my thigh hurts for some reason. anyway im digressing. evolution, is such a controversial topic. i believe that characteristics and features can be developed over time to adapt to the ever-changing environment. but other than that, let's just say the Bible has the highest authority, and Bible > origin of species totally. and i dont think that this whole issue on evolution will weaken my faith, or at least i hope it wont. i guess my faith is pretty strong when it comes to things like these, but for other things ahh... anyway rawr actually ive got a lot i want to say, just that sometimes you just dont know how to put EVERYTHING into words so nevermind.
have you ever wondered
why sometimes you do things the way you do
why you screw things up somehow and you wish you could do something to make amends
why most people leave with many things unsaid and undone
why "treasure what you have" has been drilled into you since young but you just havnt been putting it into practice
why you always need something to wake you up from your slumber
why wake up calls always have to be bad
why what we consider "bad things" are in fact good for us
why in the end we have absolutely no control over the lives we're living?
on wednesday during cle, may tan talked about her experiences in neighbourhood schools etc. and i was just thinking like yeah, we're really blessed and all but yet why do we keep complaining and arent satisfied with what we have. haha im revisiting this topic again. there's always this thing in us that urges us to strive for more, to strive for something better, that what we have is simply not enough and that we need more. is this thing human nature? i mean ive got great family, friends [and a great God] who satisfy my emotional needs, ive got enough money for my material needs, but yet i still want more. and then comes the question: what is my purpose here on earth? i know the answer, it's to glorify God and to enjoy Him. but yet is glorifying God and enjoying Him the reason why i study for exams, why i want to get a high gpa, to ace the a-levels, to enter a well-known university and graduate from there with honours, to take my masters, to get a good job etc.? i dont think so. it's easy to give a politically correct answer for such a question, but it's difficult to put it into practice. have i been doing everything for His glory? have i been enjoying Him fully since the time i became a Christian? i would love to say yes to the questions, but i know that it's not. even when im doing things related to church, and serving Him, i know there are times when it's for my own glory. it's not such an easy thing after all. and the worst thing is that i know all these, but what am i doing with my life despite knowing it?
ive got it all but i feel so deprived
i go up i come down and im emptier inside
tell me what is this thing that i feel like im missing
and why cant i let it go
theres gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
im still feeling weird and lethargic. like the emptiness within is coming back again for some reason and ive been trying to run, listen to music, read and watch tv to make up for it but it isnt working, well obviously it wont work right. and im feeling so tired that i dont have energy to do like everything. and ive been preoccupied with i dont know what. im starting to miss a lot of people. im wishing that i can turn back time and do/ undo things, but of course it's just wishful thinking. rawr i miss the times when i could blog about something happy without sounding fake. ah it's a mix of emo cum i dont know what. and i know many around me feel that way too. brandon's been giving himself intensive training on top of his already tiring school training to keep his mind away from things. jon's been studying and studying to stop himself from thinking. and there's still kenny byron cherlyn. what's up with us man.
be my escape- relient k
ive given up on giving up slowly
im blending in so you won’t even know me
apart from this whole world that shares my fate
this one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because i know to live you must give your life away
and ive been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and ive been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
and ive been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
and even though theres no way in knowing where to go
promise im going because
i gotta get outta here im stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
i gotta get outta here and im begging You x3 to be my escape
im giving up on doing this alone now
cause ive failed and im ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and im trying to get there
and this life sentence that im serving
i admit that im every bit deserving
but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
and ive been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and ive been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
and ive been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
and even though theres no way in knowing where to go
promise im going because
i gotta get outta here cause im afraid that this complacency is something i can’t shake
i gotta get outta here and im begging You x3 to be my escape
i am a hostage to my own humanity
self detained and forced to live in this mess ive made
and all im asking is for You to do what You can with me
but i cant ask You to give what You already gave
i fought You for so long
i should have let You in
how we regret those things we do
and all i was trying to do was save my own skin
but so were you
simplicity.
*****
Friday, February 09, 2007
ive been feeling weird recently. like neither happy nor sad. and ive been feeling tired lately, for what reason i dont know. perhaps it's the thinking that drains me mentally as usual.
today we had like a short presentation on thaipusam [sp?] and i was just thinking, sometimes we as Christians take things for granted dont we? okay maybe instead of we i shall use i. i dont know, i mean having been going to church since young, and having the priviledge of knowing the one and only true God since the start, perhaps ive been taking it all for granted. like for hindus, they have thaipusam and for muslims they have their fasting month, for buddhist [see miao im spelling it correctly (:] they become vegetarians. and do all these to show their devotion and what not. im not saying that we should start becoming like them, but if you asked me to hook stuff on my body and pierce things through my tongue and my cheeks, i doubt i'll do that. which is why sometimes when i look at the other religions and the things they do to show their devotion, i feel so ashamed of myself. i mean doing qt every single day is difficult for me already despite it being a routine and all, there's always this struggle, as homework starts coming and i need to handle my commitments in various areas. there's the whole thing about there being 24 hours each day, and how much time do you give to/ spend with God. i dont think im putting myself across well enough but i hope you get my point which frankly, i have no idea what my main point is.
borrow origins of species by charles darwin from the school library today. ive got a lot of books to read over the chinese new year holidays. im praying that it wont mess up my mind but do exactly the contrary- strengthen my faith and give me a better understanding of evolution so i know what to say in class when there's something i dont agree with. i shall finish case for a creator first, so at least ive some sort of a foundation before go on reading about evolution, lest it kills my mind.
im getting worried about various things these few days for some reason. and i cant pinpoint what it is exactly, because im absolutely clueless. like ive got this feeling something[s] bad will happen. intuition.
on another note, valentines day next week. ive got to start writing notes/ save my smses so i can send smses on valentines day. the guys are coming over tomorrow, im hoping they'll manage to cheer me up haha. i miss them a lot. im missing many people.
i just scrolled up to the top and scanned through, i realised that my paragraphs are totally unlinked to one another.
peiling is exhausted. and misses the beach a lot.
peiling wants someone to go to the beach with her. it's one of the rare times when peiling rather have something along with her then go there alone. anyone? brandon, no it's okay you've been really busy and you've not been getting enough sleep, you will not go with me okay.
simplicity.
*****
Saturday, February 03, 2007
it scares me how so many people are going recently- be it people whom i know or the loved ones of people whom i know. ive gone for 4 wakes during the past 4-5 months. that's an average of one per month.
death.
despite knowing that we and the people around us will have to die eventually, i guess it's something that scares everyone, Christian or not, and it affects everyone just that the intensity of it varies. i used to wonder when i was younger why people would mourn for someone who had gone to a place much better than the earth, but i grew to understand that even though we know we're see each other again, the physical separation is the difficult part- not being able to see the person again, not being able to hear the persons voice, not being able to be around the person. we're humans after all, being able to see someone physically gives us security.
out of all the wakes ive been to since young, only [?] 2 of them were from my family. ive never tried writing about the entire experience before because i hate writing things which will risk the first was my uncle-in-law when i was p5. he passed away suddenly too from a blood vessel in his brain which burst when he was working. he was in a coma and he didnt make it through after 2 days. i was pretty close to him and we visited him in the ICU. and i still remember when david called me and told me "peiling you know what. my dad just died" in a shaky voice. but i guess in a way it brought the families closer together. david never used to speak much during family gatherings, it was always his 2 other siblings. but during the wakes, i talked to him a lot, and became his "personal bodyguard" as his friends said. where he was i was and vice versa. i knew all of his friends, i knew a lot more about him then i ever did. but one thing that i admired him about was that although he was 15, never once was he angry with God [or at least he didnt tell me anything about it] and he was the one encouraging his mum, siblings, everyone single one of us. such was his faith. but when the body was cremated, he broke, so did caleb who had been trying to be strong since he was the oldest guy now. i asked him a lot later about it, and said that although his dad was dead, his physical body was still there and he could look at him. but the whole thing about not being able to see him ever again just sunk in when the body was reduced to ashes.
the next one was my grandpa when i was 12. yesterday was his 3rd death anniversary. 020204. i remember being woken up by my parents in the morning to pray for my grandpa who had a sudden heart attack in the house. i wasnt really awake then. but a while later my aunty called to say that he's gone. it took a while before i was able to fully get it. and i started crying. i just saw him 2 weeks ago when we met in malacca for cny. and i just heard him on the phone the past sunday when he called us as he always did every sunday, and i regretted and still regret procrastinating and ended up having to chiong everything on sunday, and was very impatient when i was talking to him. if only i knew. we packed our things in a hurry and my dad drove back to malaysia. it was scary in the car. my dad was all quiet, he hadnt cried. yet. and i know he's still very sad about not being able to see my grandpa before he went home. my brother was too shocked to do anything. my mum and my sis were in the stage-after-crying. i was trying to stop my tears from coming again. i played the cd, "still" came on. and i couldnt help but start crying all over again because it was so comforting. and so for those who still dont know why i love still, youve got it. when i reached there, i remember being angry. feeling pissed at the ambulance people because they took like 1 hour to reach the house [the inefficiency of the emergency stuff in malaysia. feeling pissed at myself for being an idiot for procrastinating and not talking to him properly on sunday. feeling pissed at God for taking away my grandpa without any warning. i remember asking God why He chose to take away my grandpa at this time, why He couldnt let us celebrate my grandpas 80th birthday later that year before taking him away, why He couldnt have like shown me something so i could tell my grandpa everything i wanted to. it took me months to stop being pissed. i was 12 then, and my faith was weaker than it is now, so it wasnt strong at all, it was very weak. i was very close to my grandpa despite the fact that i only saw him 4 times, or 6 times max a year. i loved him a lot, and i know he loved me a lot too, especially since we were his only grandchildren, and i was the youngest. i just wanted 1 more minute with him, 30 seconds, 10 seconds no just enough time to tell him i loved him. i spoke during the last day of the wake. my sis and bro did for the first 2 days. i tried to make myself emotionally detached so i wouldnt start crying. but i failed, terribly. though now peiling has mastered the art of becoming numb. less than halfway thru, i started crying and barely made it to the end. the part when they closed the coffin and the burial process was the hardest. i cried the most times those few days in my entire life. having my grandma call us on sundays instead of my grandpa, receiving the annual birthday card written by my grandma instead of my grandpa, going back to malaysia and not seeing my grandpa etc. i remember helping to clear his things, and we found this box where he kept all the things he felt were precious. and i found the birthday cards we sent him, and this thing which i did when i was 3 and my parents passed it to him, and a the eggshell face i drew when i was 5 etc. and as the years pass, i can feel my memories of my grandpa fading away slowly. i dont want it to, but i cant help it.
i can go on and on about all the wakes ive been to but i shant. i'll just leave it at the 2 people from my family. most of the wakes ive been to are christian ones, some are budhist. i mean i dont mean to differentiate and all but the difference is quite great- the way the family responds, the way the wake is conducted. note: these are based on only the budhist wakes that ive been to. christian families appear to have more peace and comfort and all. perhaps it's the comfort that he/ she has gone to a better place, perhaps it's the knowing that we'll see him/ her again, perhaps it's just the knowledge that God is in control of everything. and it's amazing, because they go to the God who has just called their loved one back home. it's rather contradictory actually if you see it from a certain point of view, it's as if God killed your loved one, you should see Him as your enemy and start cursing and swearing. but no, it's exactly that same God who offers and gives you the peace and comfort that nothing and noone else can.
there's the whole "treasure your life and the people around, live each day as if it's your last" thing which ive learnt since i was very young. but i guess it really takes things actually taking place before we start to really take action, only to have it die down a few months/ years later. ive had it die down for the past few years but im determined not to this time round, though it's going to be terribly hard. for one valentines day's coming up. technically one doesnt have to wait for it to tell people that you love them but it just seems weird, or at least for me to jump up in front of someone and say "hey you know what, i love you." but what happens if i go before valentines day. honestly i dont want to go now, who does. but i just havnt told everyone whom i care about how much i care about them and said sorry to the people ive done wrong to and said thank you to those who have helped/ impacted me etc. and most importantly, i havnt done enough for Him yet, i havnt started living my life fully for Him. but if He chooses to call me back, i have no excuse, having been given 15 years to do whatever needed to be done. i should stop being an idiot and start learning how to say "i love you" "im sorry" and "thank you" to people easily.
on another note, my blog is becoming too public. people have been finding their way here for some reason. im considering changing my url, or switching to diaryland [man i still miss diaryx] so maybe i shall just not care about those people, since most of the time they come not to read but to tag rubbish =D
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
